I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I want to be your penis for a week.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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