Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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