overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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