Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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