god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
