i just wanna soil my oats bro
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
