when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
