Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize