Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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