I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
