If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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