Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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