Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
