Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
