I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
