My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
