You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
