chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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