if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
