i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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