i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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