I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
