I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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