My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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