mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
