Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
