the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
