take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
