good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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