She is in my trunk
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
