my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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