At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
