Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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