I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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