I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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