i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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