Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
