She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
