today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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