the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We need to rekindle our bromance
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize