i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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