i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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