i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
