My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
