I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
