Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
