You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
