If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
