i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize