my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
