upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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