She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
