I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
