hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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