He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
