i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
