I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
