I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
