He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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