so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
