Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
