Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My life is pants optional.
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